Entry #1

Until recently I thought I had very good self-esteem and in turn a good idea of self-concept and who exactly I was. I thought I had it all figured out; attitudes, check; values, check; beliefs, check. Wow was I wrong.



The first major thing that happened that gave me a huge shock with my values was getting divorced, scratch that, getting married. Everything changes when you get married epically when at the time of the wedding vows you realize your getting married for all the wrong reasons but just can't back out with everyone there. My parents (my mom and her husband, not my biological father but that in its self is a very long story) always told me, divorce is never the answer, and to prove that even though my mom had an affair and got pregnant with me, she and her husband remained married. In my mind, if you can make it threw that you can make it threw anything. So what I got married for the wrong reasons, we could totally make it work nothing could be as bad as what my parents had gone threw. So that was the beginning of my values changing.

Now along the way to getting married, my values had already changed. I mean all along my whole life I had been taught, don't lie, don't steal, don't hurt or kill other people, don't cheat, listen to your parents and don't want what other people have. I had gone against those values pretty much 100% since joining the Army in 2002. I wanted other peoples rank and was willing to do whatever it took to get, I lied to get things, I stole things from people and I defiantly killed and hurt other people, I figured, it's my job so I HAVE to do it. Its not really that big of a deal. The Army really changed my perception of my values maybe not so much my values in total just my beliefs in my values. I still know the things I did were wrong but I was able to justify them and I feel like that is where my beliefs changed. I still had those same core values but my beliefs changed because I convinced myself it was ok to go against those values.

Aside from getting married just to get separated 2 months later and eventually divorced and joining the Army the BIGGEST thing that changed my self concept and my self esteem was having kids. I'm not going to lie, I used to think I was pretty hot stuff, I had amazing self esteem, I thought I was smart, beautiful, good at sports, great at my job, an amazing friend and an amazing wife. There is NOTHING in the world to make you loose self esteem like getting pregnant gaining a bunch of weight, getting stretch marks, loosing your hair and having your skin to funny things to make you feel like crap about yourself. Everyone always says to you before you have a baby, nothing will ever be the same. Your beliefs will change, your values will change and everything you ever felt about yourself will change and they are so right. I lost all self esteem, I mean lets face it I was pretty much a 200 lb. cow and once you have a baby even if you loose the weight your no where near what you ever were before (sob, sob, sob). I gave up my 6 figure job to stay home with my kids this year and that was a major hit to my self esteem. I mean how can you go from being a Senior Instructor at NGA college to "just a stay at home mom and student". My values changed again, they started to go back towards what I had been taught when I was a child, I realized my parents where trying to teach me what they though was right and I turned out alright so I started learning more and the more I found out I started to go back to my original values. Nothing makes you figure out what means the most to you and what you think is actually right then having to take another persons life in to consideration.

Having kids also made my religious beliefs change. I grew up in a very religious household. Church 2 on Sunday plus Sunday school, and once on Wednesday. As I started to grow up and see more of the world and came from under my parents sheltering house and ideas I started to question a lot of the religious beliefs and things I was tough. The biggest one was God as a whole. People say "Oh the bible is it and that the word and that's what you have to live your life by." Yeah, no. I'd say the BIGGEST thing that changed my religious beliefs was a story from when I was stationed in El Paso Texas and there was a 6 month old baby girl who was killed by her mother, father and uncle. From the first day of her life they had beaten her, raped her and tortured her just because they could. I argued about this with my mom, she said "God gives people free will, they can do what they want it doesn't mean it will be right." My point was, what kind of free will does he give a 6 month old baby and what greater purpose does he have for letting something that horrible happen to a 6 month old baby that has done NOTHING to deserve something like that to happen. That was the day my biggest change in beliefs happen. I can say I firmly believe I stopped believing in God on that day.

All of these things plus a lot more have gone together to make me who I am. I'm still not sure what exactly my beliefs are but I try to live by be a good person and treat others how you would want to be treated you can't go wrong with that. As far as my values, they are still changing everyday and i believe they will until the day I leave this earth. I'm working on my self concept, self esteem no matter how amazing of a person you though you were there is always something that can change it and make you realize you could be better so every day I try and work on it.